by Douglas Lindsay, with Dr Ian Shackleton, senior lecturer at the Glasgow
School of Politics and Football
SNIP
A vision of Scotland covered in giant wind turbines, all of which stand
idle, as barely a zephyr of wind crosses the country, was presented this
morning, but it wasn’t a page from science fiction.
The findings come from a new report by scientists at the Glasgow Institute
of Special Science, which found that the amount of wind blowing across
Scotland has reduced every year since 1993, with only one minor increase in
2001.
The paper, published in British Scientist Monthly, predicts that Scotland
will be completely free of wind in just over five years, and that the £267
billion so far invested in wind farms will have been wasted.
‘We all knew climate change would be devastating,’ said Professor Malcolm
Connery of the GISS, ‘but our report shows just how destructive it can be.
With weather patterns changing around the globe, it looks like the winds
blowing across the Atlantic will head further south.
‘Our extensive scientific modelling indicates that the north Atlantic will
soon be completely still for an extended period, possibly lasting upwards
of 5-6000 years. It’s unlikely that Scotland will see any wind much after
spring 2019. It doesn’t look good for the north of England either.’
Alistair Darling, lead scaremonger for Better Together said: ‘This leaves
the entire edifice of the Yes campaign in tatters. Vote Yes and we all die
in poverty, it’s as simple as that.’
With no winds to blow weather systems across the nation, climatologists
predict Scotland’s weather will stay the same as it is on the day the last
winds blow, predicted to be May 13 2019, for all time.
‘You’d better hope the sun’s shining,’ said Professor Connery, ‘but then,
if it is, it’ll never change, there’ll be no wind to cool the air, and
Scotland will turn into Western Sahara. Good luck with that.’
Political analysts, such as Dr Shackleton, are in no doubt the devastating
effect the report will have on the SNP and the campaign for an independent
Scotland.
‘Alex Salmond has invested everything in green energy, with wind at the
forefront. If we become independent and then the wind stops blowing, where
will we be? Bankrupt, and literally powerless. With rUK looking on, and
more than likely laughing, Scotland would be forced to look east. Putin
would move in, and before you know it, Scotland would become just another
beleaguered state of the Russian Federation.’
As we sat in his 98th floor office, the mood darkened and Shackleton
finally cracked open the bottle of 60-year-old Macallan that he’d been
saving for the end of times.
‘With the Russians on England’s doorstep, war is inevitable. For God’s
sake, let us sit upon the ground and tell sad stories of the death of
kingdoms.’
The ice clinked in the glass, as dark clouds approached the city, moving
ever so slowly on a breath of wind.
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